I need a new scale. Mine likes to screw with my head. I hate it’s guts.

Yesterday it registered a a four pound loss. Today it’s saying that not only didn’t I lose four pounds but I GAINED two pounds.

Crazy fuck.

Shut up.

Human Voice Clip Female Young Woman Exclamations Shut Up

Asshole.

I hate you.

OK, granted my guts are in disarray, so there may be a ton of fluid deep within the pipes. But it’s friggin’ annoying. Not only do I feel crappy physically but now the desire to place my scale in a wood chipper is almost overwhelming.

So, we know weight is not exactly willing to leave my body. In fact, it’s a bit like that stalker-ish guy you dated twice but you see him outside your Wawa every morning when you go for coffee for the next year. It’s been kinda’ funny, kinda’ not funny. We also know it’s hard not to get seriously discouraged. The surgeons office called and because of the possibility of my having Cushing’s Syndrome/Disease or Addison’s, would I be willing to push my appointment back until after seeing the endocrinologist? I know logically that this is smart and makes perfect sense, but the frustrated part wanted to show up anyway just to be a bitch.

I shant.

I want to…but I shant.

I sound like Alice in Wonderland.

It’s a lot like being in Wonderland. You stand around with your jaw on the ground at first going “What the f….no way“. After awhile you get frustrated…then sad…then resigned. People can say what they will, they don’t have to believe a damned thing. The logic of it what they think is happening doesn’t make sense “Go through surgery to have it not work.” It has worked for so many others, so it isn’t the Lap Band failing. I have to be honest and say there is no normal reason this isn’t working. It has to be my body.

For a long time I was also of the belief that I had to be doing something wrong. Even when my ex-$%&#$%^@# said “But you eat so little” and my oldest said “You eat like a bird.” I still believed I was doing something terribly guilty and wrong. Logically, I knew I wasn’t overeating. I also knew I wasn’t sleep eating (no food was missing, no sign of wrappers etc. I am a sleep walker-talker so I honestly considered this) and yet I still doubted myself and my sanity.

Regardless of WHY, the issue is here. What do we do in these circumstance when we are trumped for the moment? We live with it the best we can until we have other options. We go in the most positive direction possible. So I will continue to eat under 20 net carbs a day on Atkins, stay away from starches and flours, stay off sugars (that I know of) and exercise when well…maybe even when not so well. I will move up to Stage Two after a few weeks so as not to screw my body up. Now my point and goal isn’t to worry about LOSING weight; I want my heart, kidneys and other organs as healthy as TSC will allow. Until  another option makes itself know, sanity is needed here and this is my only course of action.

But first…power up that chipper, I have a project to do.